Shame and Shaming

I’m procrastinating. Or rather I’m avoidant. I need to open two emails. And then respond to them. They are from individuals reminding me of things I’ve left undone.

I’ve done a great deal of things other than these tasks. I want to do the tasks. They haven’t reached the top of the priority list because of my institutional commitments and other professional commitments. I’m using this blog post to force myself to acknowledge that I’ve not fulfilled these obligations and to accept the consequences.

The thing that puzzles me is the desire to avoid. After some interrogation of my deep inner resistance, I realize at its root is shame. I wish I had been able to do these things. I feel a should have found a way to do ALL THE THINGS. I can’t. On one level I’ve made peace with my own limits and foibles–my incredibly dangerous tendency to say yes, even in the face of evidence that I’m already over-committed.

But I think this isn’t really about my internal self judgement, but that sense of being seen in my neglect of tasks. I said I would and I haven’t yet. A teeny bit of my brain thinks if I don’t read the email, I’ve not been seen, or I will not have to acknowledge that I’ve been seen, and, somehow, the shame will be less.

The Romans loved a good public shaming. And, many went to great lengths to avoid such shame. We are led to believe Cleopatra killed herself to avoid being led through Rome in such a spectacle. The Romans clearly enjoyed inflicting a good public shaming and humiliation of those they defeated. The theme is all over ancient art and who can deliver a brutal invective better than Cicero? We know our values and who we are by those we distain and disgrace. Even, if that is ourselves!

None of my colleagues are like this. I know this. Well, at least not the ones I care about. I do not need to pull the veil over my face to avoid the stares. I can just own what I’ve not done and try to better assess what I can do.

Ok. I’m going to not hit publish until these two email tasks are done.

Funny story. One of the emails wasn’t what I thought it was. It was a piece of bureaucracy that does need doing but not actually anything that feels like letting someone down. What it made me realize is that pro actively writing to one of my editors would feel good. So I did that and explained where I was at and asked for guidance and if they still want the piece.

Yes, it is loud in my head. Yes, the blog helps. Enjoy the pictures and ignore the navel-gazing. I am moving on to other critical administrative tasks.